New Rules: An Ode to the Songs of Singledom

Katie Packer /
Jan 23, 2018 / Music

Don’t worry girls, repeat after me.

Having been in long term relationships for the last 7 years I entered the world of singledom this year and have been perpetually baffled since.

Leading a life as a single lady was completely uncharted territory for me. I remember facing my first day as a newly independent woman and having the realisation that from now on I was going to have to be my own best friend.

How would I cope? Would I ever have sex again? Would the men of the world actually want a slice of this? Was I going to end up crippled by loneliness surrounded by my cats?

As these pressing questions overtook my mind I was left feeling desolate. Self-doubt swamped me and I wondered if I could ever be that strong, independent woman I so wanted to be. I mean, even Beyoncé has a man at the end of the day.

But at my lowest ebb, I was saved. Not by another rugged and handsome man, nor by a woman may I add, but by the pop songs of singledom.

From the moment I blasted out Dua Lipa’s ‘New Rules’ I knew I could do it. Women had done before me, and they would continue to after me. Together we would negotiate the world of Bumble, fuckboys and unsolicited dick pics. We could have a slut phase without judgement. We could be empowered and remain untainted by the treacherous world of dating, sexting and “doing bits”.

We only need to follow three simple rules.

1. Don’t pick up the phone you know he’s only calling because he’s drunk and alone.

– An important one. The booty call remains a prolific way of manipulating the female. Switch it round, if you are the booty caller, you’re in control. This is why I love Bumble. Girl, you make that first move and show him who’s boss.

2. Don’t let him in you’ll have to kick him out again.

– Problem solved if you go to his house. Instead of kicking him out, you can voluntarily leave yourself. Alternatively, give him a time limit. Invent some insanely cool plans that do not require his undeserving presence.

3. Don’t be his friend, you know you’re gonna wake up in his bed in the morning. And if you’re under him you ain’t getting over him.

– Agreed, being his friend is not the best way to go about things, keep a calm and cool distance from the fuckboy.

To solve the second issue, just go on top?

This step by step revelation was an astounding and invaluable saviour of my single life which encountered a fair few speed bumps initially. You must try your best not to be pulled in by masculine wiles, but if that fails, Dua has your back.

But this was only one set of rules!!!

There was another set of rules laid down in the early ages by another brunette pop princess.

The words are wise and poignant, the message rings true in many circumstances and it is, once again, an absolute banger.

‘How to be a Heartbreaker’ by Marina and the Diamonds gives clear and honest instruction on how to dodge that inevitable heartache for as long as possible. No mean feat may I add.

Rule number 1. is that you gotta have fun, but baby when you’re done, you gotta be the first to run.

– I mean having fun is what it’s all about AM I RIGHT?! But seriously run away from those feelings faster than Usain Bolt.

Rule number 2. just don’t get attached to somebody you could lose.

– You can’t lose if you aren’t even in the running…

Rule number 3. wear your heart on your cheek, but never on your sleeve.

– Odd metaphor, but you get the gist. Fun activity: draw a little black heart on your cheek, a testament for all the hearts you break (kind of like the black tear tattoos on inmates, but sassier).

Rule number 4, gotta be looking pure, kiss him goodbye at the door and leave him wanting more.

– OKAY maybe not all the rules are realistic. Women have their needs. Sorry, Marina.

I know that rule following is never easy, or fun a lot of the time, but if you are looking for guidance, it’s a good place to start.

If you require more in this vein to empower you and raise you up you can also play a bit of Demi Lovato’s beautiful description of the glow up, ‘Sorry Not Sorry’ or hark back to the modern classic of ‘Me, Myself and I’ by the Queen of the world, Beyoncé.

Yes, these songs may not always be able to help you out of a love rut or relieve your utter mistrust of most men. They also don’t have all the answers. But when you hear those opening bars play out from your car stereo or club speakers you can feel a beautiful sense of unity with all the other single women of the world.

In our modern times of Bumble, Tinder and Grazer (a dating app for vegans), love and lust have become so much more accessible and so much more complex. All that you can do is go with it, knowing your pop sisters out there have got your back through and through.

Words by Katie Packer

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