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The Weekly Brexit: Some Things Have Happened

Brexit, Brexit, my sweet, sovereign Brexit. Just when you threaten to confine yourself to near-permanent stagnation, you burst into life, like a sexed-up bolt of bureaucratic excitement.

Yesterday, on 24th January, came the long awaited Supreme Court ruling: Article 50 cannot be triggered with parliamentary approval. A blow for the Brexiteers, but one that they – along with everyone else – expected, and had almost certainly been preparing for. (Then again, this saga hasn’t really been one for forward planning, has it – so rule nothing out).

In a narrative that’s become near synonymous with lies, division and outright villainy, Gina Miller stands alone as a shining example in the fight for democracy. She stood up for what she believed in – a cause that brought her abuse and toxicity of the vilest nature – and fought for it admirably, never lowering herself to rhetorical theatrics and verbal to-and-fros. She won, too. Seriously, Gina – big up yourself. You’re amazing.

So, in the wacky world of Brexit Britain, where does that put us? Well, Brexit is a bit like waiting for a London bus. Not because it’s very expensive and I try and avoid it at all costs (it is, I do), but because you spend hours counting on something to happen, for all of it to come at once. To go with yesterday’s ruling, Theresa May has today promised a White Paper on Britain’s EU exit plan. Hold onto your hats, folks, because it’s fully kicking off.

Speaking at Prime Minister’s Questions, May said: “I recognise that there is an appetite in this House to see that plan set out in a White Paper. I can confirm to the House that our plan will be set out in a White Paper published in this House“.

It’d be interesting to know what else she’s recognised recently, that hadn’t really occurred up until now. That Boris Johnson isn’t very good at being foreign secretary? That Liam Fox and David Davis are probably a bit mad? That she could literally execute all three of them, plus a kitten, during a live television broadcast titled ‘Theresa May hates jobs, the NHS and David Attenborough’, and Jeremy Corbyn would still somehow drop further beneath her in the opinion polls? Of course we’d like to know how you plan to do the whole Brexit thing, Theresa. It’s kind of important to us.

Whether it’ll actually contain that is another question, for which the answer is “almost certainly not”. According to the Prime Minister, it’ll be “a bold vision for Britain for the future” as if we’re not lacking enough of that already. In truth, the White Paper will probably be a 300-page, A4 document, containing nothing but the phrase ‘red, white and blue Brexit’ written over and over again. Upon opening it, the public will instantly be at ease. “But of course,” we’ll cry. “Thanks for clearing that up, Theresa – it’s good to be in the loop”.

Order Volume #16 here.

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Words by Niall Flynn

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